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Team: |
Andy "I don't do swimming" Roo
TV Rob
T-Wallah Jim
Charlie 'the Kid'
Ranter Barclay
Adrian "ginger powers" Healy
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Dates: |
July 30th - August 8th 1999
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Places: |
Austria; Switzerland;
Italy and Germany (via France, Belguim and Luxemburg)
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With
the collective linguistic ability of a playschool group,
first stop for the VW team (Adrian, Helen and Jim) was
a LP German Phrase book. Handy if you: 1. Wanted a shag
2. Resoundingly didnt want a shag, but just about
bugger all use for anything else. Team Toyota (Roo, Charlie
and some Welsh random with a penchant for vest tops .
. . VEST TOPS!*?!) were late but just as we were starting
to cut it fine, they hoved into view. |
Tight but we
would definitely make the train . . . 120 cans of duty
free beer later we were waiting for the next train. Charlie
had turned up with a random whose capacity for beer would
surprise even that hardiest of paddlers. He however did
have a portable fridge in his car, and in my naivety,
I applauded Robs foresight at the thought of chilled
milk and cheese that wouldnt resemble a fondu .
. .a dream that would in fact never reach reality. |
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A
14 hour slog bought us into Landeck and we camped up at
Zams alongside 21 caravans, and a small kitten,
whose youth bought the average age on the campsite down
to about 87. A faff worthy of a minibus trip led to paddling
being abandoned for the afternoon in place of . . . beer
(a theme was definitely developing). |
It
was with trepidation that I found myself sitting on the
banks of the Inn above Tosens. Scream
Id spoken to Ali before setting off to Austria,
and asked her which rivers to paddle out there. She concluded
that Tosens had been a complete disaster with 3 of their
group swimming out of the stopper on the first rapid forcing
them to abandon the section. Armed with this information
I proceeded to spend the 14 hours drive down to Landeck
visualising a ever growing river wide stopper across Tosens
which would not only devour me and my boat, but had probably
already started to swallow the surrounding countryside.
The river was low, and it was a relief to find the Tosens
rapid was easily manageable. The rest of the Tosens section
was no more than a pleasant bimble and a good warm up
for the fast moving waters we were to encounter later
in the week. |
Lunch
. . . and then the Sanna, another river which I spoken
to Ali about and shes said was one of the hardest
shes run in Austria. Fantastic, day one and already
I was on river epic and the river of
a certain swim. The water was at a medium level
and the get in is fairly daunting as you launch directly
into the rapids which continue out of sight. I was nervous,
but felt a wave of relief as Chippy " no fear ? .
. . no brains" decided to bin his paddles and just
go with the hand paddle thing. How hard could this river
be? We bounced down to the first corner, and ran the drop
without any problems, broke out and waited for the group
to reform. . . . . and waited . . . and waited. Just as
Adrian was thinking about going back upstream Jim glided
into the eddy. Chippy had swum in the first stopper. Then
Chippy hoved into view . . . swimming. Somebody pointed
out that Jim could have actually fished him out of the
river when he swam, and Jim replied that he had put Chippy
back in his boat only minutes earlier. As he recirculated
in the stopper on the bottom. Things were not looking
so hot for our intrepid but ultimately somewhat stupid
hand paddler. Chippy with in an unusual moment of lucidity
decided to bin the river, and we finished what turned
out to be a storming run in a breathtaking valley. An
obligatory visit to the Beerkeller for supper, ended up
with Steins of beer being consumed and Charlie enjoying
Steak and Chips with a light shaking of toothpicks and
soy sause!!
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Monday
took us up the Inn again and this time to run the section
above Landeck. The water had been turned on and things
were looking most distinctly bouncy. Team
Knarly went up to run the Inn Shoot which looked fairly
vicious from the road. Interestingly enough Rob chose
this section to exercise his right not to break out, odd
choice but the section went fine and more easily terrified
amongst us joined a very excited gaggle of lads to run
down through the Landeck gorge. We decided to try our
luck with the Rosanna after lunch, and drove up the valley,
however the river was as dry as a Irish Pub on March the
18th, so was unanimously binned, and Tosens
was run for a second time at a much higher level and I
suddenly began to see the swim potential of the rapid.
Arrrrrhhhhhhh
Tuesday saw Charlie and Roo scheming an epic day, which
considering that their rest day was to consist of running
3 of the Swiss gorges consecutively, was a worrying
concept. As usual Tea - wallah Jim was banging on the
tent door at 7am, to be followed shortly by Charlies
enthusiasm. Charlies morning habit was as follows.
8am - Sleep like a log 8.02am - Awake and exit the tent
within minutes of each other 8.03am Sit in the
car shouting "come on lets go paddling. . now.
. . now". Charlies enthusiasm is commendable
if somewhat misguided for 8am. With what seemed like
a compromise we headed for the Oetz valley at about
10am. Binning the old and may I say obviously stale
"warm up" idea - Roo, Charlie, Adrian, Jim
and Martin launched into the Venter Ache. Within 11
yards Roo was practising his rolling techniques, within
100 yards Martin was practising his breast stroke, and
it was 1-0 to the Venter Ache. The other four continued
down. We went on down to the take out, we sat enjoying
a coffee when Charlie arrived to ask us to go and pick
up Jim who had had a close encounter with a tree, taken
the subacqua root and only invited half his paddle!
2-0 to the Ventre Ache. Luckily the boys pulled it back
at the last to finish 2-3 up on the river. And now for
something a bit more exciting . . . . The Upper Oetz.
I volunteered the ferry whilst Rob joined the Venter
Ache Team for a quick jaunt. I dropped them off and
drove to the get out, picked up my book and settled
down for a good read. 27 seconds later the boys arrived!
I guess it was flowing fairly rapidly!! Now for the
final stretch of the day the Lower Oetz and this is
where my flippancy ends. The Lower section was my section,
but Id made one fatal mistake. . . Id read
the guidebook and here are some choice quotes from the
summary of the Lower Oetz:
"very
fast, very heavy, very scary . . . not once does
it drop below a class 3. Danger is with you from the
very beginning of this run. The bridge stanchion . .
. has been the site of at least 3 fatal pinnings . .
. The weir is potentially deadly: " So with this
delightful description clearly inprinted on my somewhat
impressionable brain, I dithered and moaned about my
capabilities to be on such a section. Despite Roos
assurance I would be fine and Jims standard "big
and bouncy straight down the middle" it took much
persuasion to coax me onto the river. The Oetz however
turned out to be a storming run, with one grade 4 and
a big corner, Jim blubbed so I decided to take him down
the chicken shoot to the right, and Adrian wasnt
really up to the pace either so followed us.
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Wed
and mid week, surely time for a rest day. Roo and Charlie
agreed, so with that in mind we set off to drive to Switzerland
and run the Giarsun Gorge, the Ardez and the Schuls sections.
Paddling with Charlie is like going on holiday with the
duracell bunny on speed! The whole section of the Swiss
Inn was low and the Giarsun gorge was running like a Scottish
river, bony but still fun. Pat and I entered into a competition
to see whole could do the worst paddling of the day, and
provided a variety of crap lines worthy of any self respecting
freshers group. Roo in his usual quest to run the river
any way but straight forwardly, wave wheeled his way down
the Inn. Roo is might be noted has a calming effect on
any nervous paddler, just as you think the approaching
rapid is surely almost unnavigateable, Roo will proceed
to wave wheel, cartwheel, or stern dip his way down the
rapid, so much so that you cannot help but be reassured
of the trivialness of the water. This of course usually
leads to the less able paddlers getting a jolly good wasting,
but at least you start off calmed. Rob and I dropped out
of the Ardez gorge, Rob because he is a vest wearing Girl
Guide and me because of my total inability to direct a
kayak. The others shot the gorge and we picked them up
at the bottom to run Schuls, a fairly trivial bounce.
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Thursday
saw us packing up and leaving Austria, the plan was to
head to Italy via the Splincter
Muncher. This is basically a grade 3 bimble with 2
enormous grade 5 drops lurking in the middle. Adrian bowed
out due to illness, and I nobly agreed to bypass the river
which would ultimately, for me, consist of a grade 3 slog
followed by two mammoth portages, Pat on the other hand
thought this was a super way to spend the day and wandered
off down stream (mind you after a fortnight in a car with
Chippy I guess an amateur lobotomy would be a pleasant
way to spend a day!). You can see the first of the Finstermuncher
rapids from the road and even at 200 feet it looks like
a fairly serious proposition. This was the section of
rapids that Mike Jones came out to do the first descent
of in the early 70s in fibreglass 14 foot boats
and when you look at the rapid you realise what an awesome
achievement this actually was. Adrian and I bimbled up
to Samnau the duty free town which is situated between
the Swiss and Austrian borders. I practised my downhill
driving techniques which included freewheeling to the
corners and slamming on the brakes. I was surprised to
find the wheels on fire as I stopped the car in a lay-by
to check out a funny smell? German engineering! The rest
of the day was spent toiling over to Italy to the Noce
valley, which we were hoping to shoot the next day. Team
Toyota found endless amusement recording a series of bizarre
sound effects
click
for sound effect
including what sounded like a moped running into a
chicken coup! Found a campsite, paid for a pitch, used
about 11 pitches and slept. |
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The
Upper Noce was to be our final day on a river for the
trip and we awoke to brilliant sunshine, tea and Charlies
inexhaustible enthusiasm. The ferry set off to drop a
car at the get out . . . and returned an hour and 35 minutes
later to a team of rather red, dehydrated paddlers. They
had apparently lost the get out and failed to find the
get in. To lose one get out could be considered
unfortunate, to lose two ?? The Noce was low but
it was easy to see the potential in the river which offered
25km of continuous rapids. You get on at the slalom site
which drops fairly rapidly for about a mile and then its
just continuous dropping water for 10km, the section finishes
with one grade 4+ rapid, called Saw Mill Cataract. Unfortunately
someone had left the guide book lying around and I had
managed to sneak a look. Sounded awful, but I wasnt
expected to run 4+. However when we got there the rapid
was no more than a 4 and having obviously been infected
with a dose of testosterone I decided to run it. The rapid
has a fairly substantial drop on it and is divided into
two sections. I really should have just walked!!! The
line was centre left, so I set off backwards down the
right, did a couple of 360s on the way, dropped
in and out a stopper and eventually washed up in the eddy
at the bottom. Lovely . . . look cool and theyll
never know that was a cock up rather than a show off!
Anyway the whole group ran the rapid, others preferring
a more traditional paddling method, Pat obviously intrigued
by my use of explicative paddling, took a similarly ungraceful
route, and then proceeded to entertain with a swim on
the grade 2 section above the get out. It seemed to be
visiting day for the fuck up fairy as Chippy buggered
up a weir as Ive never seen a weir buggered up before,
plowing directly into the only rock in a 40m radius; and
breaching sideways onto it, swam the rest of the drop.
I had only just finished sniggering at their collective
idiocy, when the fuck up fairy made quick trip over
to me, and within minutes I was swimming down a rapid
of the smaller variety, (although the jury, I would
like to say, is still out on whether it was a grade
2+ or it crept into the 3- category) Either way the
Noce claimed a variety of bruised egos that day, but
all concerned expressed a preference to bruised egos
than bruised bodies! Team Knarly went on to paddle the
Noce Gorge and we went to meet them at the get out.
The VW had absolutely no problems finding a set of paddlers
sitting aimlessly by the side of the road. The beama
boys however had decided to freewheel down into a 300
foot gorge with the car and then looked surprised to
find they couldnt extract themselves. Obviously
the only thing to do would be to rev the car to buggery
until the clutch burnt out and they were stranded. An
excellent idea, which they proceeded to execute with
military precision. Adrian pulled them out, but the
car was now property of Mr. Fucked and it limped into
the nearest village, and awaited the AA. The 6 of us
abandoned them, leaving a very weary looking Battersea
physically, mentally and propritorially shattered. You
can always judge a good kayak holiday by the amount
of human debris at the end. A fantastic trip.
We started the long drive back to Calais, which we
intended to break with a stop at Ausburg. We drove into
the night and it was 2am before Andy found a crap filled
lay-by next to one of the noisiest motorways in Europe
for us to sleep in. A perfect spot with which to conclude
our memories of idyllic Austria, thanks Andy. We circled
Ausburg several times, having a careful look at most
of the major and some of the minor residential areas,
before finally randomly finding the slalom course. It
was smaller than I had expected, and contained some
knarly nightclub bouncer type of eddies. But all had
a chance to show off, play in the stoppers, and ponder
on the gender
of several German paddlers.
We packed up the kit for the last time and
headed north with a sense of sorrow. I knew I would
feel quite lost trying to journey anywhere without the
comforting view of the back of a red Toyota.
The trip had been excellent, the group dynamic had
worked well, the boys could pick on the girl, everyone
could exploit Charlies wonderfully trusting nature,
right up to the point where he turned his watch forward
an hour at Calais, (I do wonder if he did in fact turn
up to work at 7am on Monday). Rob provided endless amusement
with his horrible dress sense and Welsh origins. Without
Jim and his early morning tea, who knows how much paddling
would have been missed? Adrian provided the forethought
to do things like buy food, and I personally am eternally
grateful for his patient leading on the rivers. And
Roo, well without Roo I doubt we would have the tonal
delights of the moped running into the chicken coup.
I was sorry to be going home, but I guess in a way,
its the very fact that such a trip is finite,
which makes it so memorable and enchanting. |
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DAY |
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SECTION |
Distance
in KM |
Guidebook
Grade |
Our
Alps
Grading |
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SUN |
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Tosens |
9 |
4 |
3-
(3+) |
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Sanna |
7 |
4 |
3+
(4) |
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Inn
Shoot |
2 |
5 |
4+ |
MON
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Fließ
- Landeck |
6 |
4 |
3+ |
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Tosens |
9 |
4 |
3+
(4) |
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Venter
Ache |
6 |
4(4+) |
4+ |
TUES |
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Upper
Oetz |
4 |
4+ |
4 |
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Lower
Oetz |
12 |
4(4+) |
4- |
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Giarsun
Gorge |
11 |
4 |
3+/4- |
WED |
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Ardez
Gorge |
4 |
4(4+) |
4 |
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Schuls
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6 |
3(4) |
3 |
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THURS |
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FinsterMunster |
9 |
3(5+) |
3(5) |
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Upper
Noce |
10 |
4(4+) |
4- |
FRI |
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Lower
Noce |
15 |
4 |
4- |
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Noce
Gorge |
3.5 |
5 |
4
(5-) |
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SAT |
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Ausburg |
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